evil john sez

brief hiatus

2007-04-29T12:54:00.002-04:00

Unfortunately, the EVIL JOHN show will have to take a brief hiatus because one of it's starring players is recovering from back surgery. That's right, the one and only C. Angus Floyd (pictured above), the hardest working cat in show business will be taking time off from his budding film career. We here at the EVIL JOHN show feel that there really wouldn't be a show without the wit and wisdom he brings to our productions.

If you would like to send your thoughts, prayers and/or treats to Angus, please comment on this blog post. All comments will be read to Angus and if possible he will dictate a reply.

And don't worry, as soon as Angus is back on four feet, the show will go on.

Thank you,
tEJs

bloopers

2007-04-29T12:54:00.001-04:00

Click To Play

the team here at the EVIL JOHN show resents the fact that you think we've run out of ideas.

we know that blooper shows suck.

we were too busy being EVIL this week to get out a real show.

it was this or nothing? would you rather have nothing?

look, it's a day early.

you people are so demanding, ok, fine, you'll get a new episode next week.

i thought we were evil, you people are mean and ungrateful!

also available on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Qzw5aoZZ3c

also available at itunes <- this link will open iTunes on your computer.

episode 4: clip

2007-04-29T12:52:00.002-04:00

Click To Play

regular JOHN's thirst for fame has hit a new low.

... now with 75% less crack!

also available on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jRbhzjqHoE

also available at itunes <- this link will open iTunes on your computer. EVIL JOHN OUT!

episode 3: plumb

2007-04-29T12:52:00.001-04:00

Click To Play

you are going to have to decide if this week's video is safe for YOUR work.

hint: i don't want to make too many cracks about regular JOHN, but in the end, he is an ass.

also available on youtube at http://youtube.com/watch?v=_HATouJtXf8

also available at itunes <- this link will open iTunes on your computer.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

episode 2: sugar

2007-04-29T12:50:00.000-04:00

Click To Play

i'm back and EVIL-er than ever. this weeks episode sheds a little light into why regular JOHN can't shed any pounds.

also available on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6jo7BzJiNI

also available at itunes <- this link will open iTunes on your computer. logan, and others, this and all past, present and future videos are and will be ipod compatible. (the person who screwed that up has been fired.) EVIL JOHN OUT!

episode 1: cats

2007-04-29T12:48:00.000-04:00

Click To Play

what EVIL JOHN SEZ really hurts regular JOHN. and EVIL JOHN couldn't care less. wanna know bad things about JOHN that only his EVIL twin would know? check back often. and hey, add comments about how much you hate JOHN, i'm sure there are tons of you out there that are sick of his bulls@#t.

also available on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4PPsY2GaNE

also available at itunes (this link will open itunes on your computer.)

it's late!

2007-03-15T23:00:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

do you know where your know where your twins are?

on 3/21/07, you will!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

find out more at themudthebloodthebeer.com

Still Thinking...

2007-01-10T21:05:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

i'm still thinking about rJ's offer...

but to tide you over, here's a portrait of rJ (by his wife) that will illustrate what i have to deal with.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

And the 'winner' is:

2006-10-11T21:13:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN should be awarded? shut up, gramaratical police, i know i said awarded. do you think i would ever say regular JOHN should be rewarded? if so, you’re stupid. how stupid? regular JOHN stupid.

you’ve heard, i assume*, of the genius grants. “oh unrecognized genius type person, you’re so smart and insightful and you have so much potential, here’s some money, quit your day job and go out there and do something even more genius.”

no, of course, rJ shouldn’t get one of those. he should get a mediocre grant. what? you never heard of those? no kidding, bright boy, that’s because EVIL JOHN just made it up – copyright, tm, patent pending.

what is a mediocre grant and how will it change our ‘friend’ regular JOHN? well, the beauty of this grant is that he just pretty much keeps on doing what he’s been doing. or i should say not doing.

unremarkable – check!

run-of-the-mill, that is if he ever ran, slow-slouching-walk-of-the-mill – check!

garden-variety, but like a beet or some root vegetable, not a rose or a beefsteak tomato – check!

keep on at your day job, regular JOHN, don’t go out there and try hard and take risks… you don’t want to be disqualified for the first annual EVIL JOHN mediocre grant. get your acceptance speech ready, and don’t forget to thank the little people… little people like yourself!!!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

*the first person to comment about “making an ass out of me” gets a crack in the muzzle!

Dull Butter Knife.

2006-10-05T20:10:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN thinks he’s losing his edge? hardy f’n haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

i’m sorry, i just fell off my yoga ball i was laughing so hard. can round mounds of pinky-white, bald, corn-balls have an edge?

yeah, he’s edgy, he’s like the pudgy, albino love child of the michelin man and the pillsbury dough boy.

this kid’s an ah-ha song… and not “take on me.”

you wanna know how to get an edge? well if you have to ask, you’ll never know. you could start by copying everything that i do. then follow that by giving EVIL JOHN all of your money. and you know what, throw in that ipod. of course that won’t make you any edgier than you are now, but at least i’d finally have an ipod.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Weather Dominator!

2006-09-04T12:16:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

oh, yeah!!!

here it comes:

what?!?!

typical!

EVIL JOHN IS BACK!!!

look for more EVIL updates soon!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Rube!

2006-03-18T11:46:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is helping EVIL JOHN? and he doesn’t even know it?

don’t believe me? check this out:

a. regular JOHN hits the snooze button on his alarm clock, b. it inflates a balloon that slowly tips over an iron on a cat with a piece of buttered toast strapped to it’s back, c. the cat flies in the air, d. because a cat always lands on it’s feet and a piece of buttered toast always lands face down, they both spin indefinitely, E. the spinning forces air into a tube that drops a baseball into a f. pitching machine, g. the baseball smashes a window, h. the shards of glass fall on carefully positioned dominoes, i. the dominoes climb up the stairs until one falls, J. on a button which sends a post to EVILJOHNSEZ.blogspot.com!

that was easy!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

You Say EVIL...

2006-03-08T21:08:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is allergic to fruit? he's not allergic to fruits... this ain't a gay thing, although I have my suspicions, questions & concerns. this is about the fact that if regular JOHN eats a fresh fruit or vegetable, his mouth gets all scratchy and sometimes his throat closes up.

now i'm not laughing at people who have deadly allergic reactions. EVIL JOHN always washes his PB&J down with some calamine lotion before kissing his teenage girlfriend. but EJ has to put his foot down about rJ and his stupid (possibly fake) allergies.

okay, i know you're allergic to cats - but you own one.

you say you're allergic to wool - but you have several wool hats and socks.

you tell everyone who is unfortunate enough to sit next to you and your wedge salad that you're allergic to tomatoes - but you love them so much that eat them anyway.

now, that's just stupid.

the weird thing is that regular JOHN can eat the hell out of a strawberry covered cheesecake. heaven forbid you offer him some fruit salad. the kid acts like you're trying to off him.

believe me, fruitcake, if i was going to take you out i’d be much more devious and creative.

did you know that regular JOHN is also allergic to soy-milk? way more allergic than he is to fruit?

did you know that a soy-milk laced smoothie almost killed regular JOHN? luckily, they can’t dust soy for fingerprints.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

ROCKZ!

2006-03-01T17:57:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN thinks he’s a dj? well, he ain’t. if i hear another mix of his with 'such great heights', by the postal service on it… i’m going to throw his ipod out the window.

to show that bad taste doesn’t run in the family, here’s a playlist that rocks my EVIL socks off:

Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
"sure, it's tough being the good looking guy with a dead heart... but if you try to stick your finger down my throat, you ain't getting it back."

Debaser - The Pixies
"i don't know what a debaser is, but it sure sounds EVIL."

Dedicated Follower of Fashion - The Kinks
"this song is about regular JOHN, okay it was written before he was born, but if you've ever seen this guy walking through the mall, trying to find a pair of jeans and a hipster t-shirt, you'd wish the feuding brothers in the kinks would just get along and write some more songs... and no, i don't see a parrallel."

Fuckin' with My Head - Beck
"fuckin' with regular JOHN's head is my business, and business is good. i just came here to drink some beer and kick regular JOHN's ass, and i'm almost out of beer. if regular JOHN could fly, he wouldn’t bump his as a hoppin’… what was I saying?”

Get off of My Cloud - The Rolling Stones
"i'm not a cloud rider, per se, but i like the sentiment. hey, regular JOHN, if i had a cloud, you'd be the first guy i kick the hell off. look out below, falling shithead."

How I Could Just Kill a Man - Cypress Hill
"try me.”

I think I Smell a Rat - The White Stripes
"no, regular JOHN, that's not a rat you smell, that's your piss poor attitude and your decaying future as middle management mediocrity... wait are you listening to this in your car? okay, yes, that's a dead rat i hid in your glove compartment."

Mr. Pitiful - Otis Redding
"nuff said,”

Negative Creep – Nirvana
“this is song is like radiohead’s creep… plus it’s negative.”

No More Mr. Nice Guy- Alice Cooper
"you wanna know when i said 'no more mr. nice guy' to regular JOHN? conception, muthafucka. that's how early he pissed me off."

Shitlist - L7
"here's an example of my shitlist: 1. regular JOHN smells like shit. 2. regular JOHN looks like shit. 3. everything regular JOHN touches turns to... you get the idea."

Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
"how'd that get in there?"

Trouble - Elvis Presley
"sample lyrics... 'if you're lookin' trouble/ just look in my face,' and 'i was born standing up/ and talkin' back' and 'because i'm EVIL/ my middle name is misery/ i'm EVIL, EVIL EVIL/ don't mess around with me.'
elvis at his fake baddest.

Why Can't We Be Friends - War
"why can't we be friends? because you suck."

any suggestions for more songs that show how EVIL i am and how much regular JOHN sucks? Comment… if you dare.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

UPDATE: some of the songs are now an imix on itunes. get your iass over there and ilisten to the isongs. not all the songs are there, i guess some are too EVIL for apple.

click:

http://exchange2k3.crameronline.com/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPublishedPlaylist?id=729867

Cooking with the DEVIL!

2006-02-12T17:21:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN makes cookies? too bad he’s not a woman: other than the fact that he’d be the ugliest woman on earth, he makes a mean cookie. how many hetero men make cookies? in fact, how many gay men make cookies?

none that i’d like to know.

one thing, possibly the only thing regular JOHN and EVIL JOHN can agree on is a good cookie. in a departure from regular EVIL rants comes this week’s (belated – don’t ask) post… an EVIL cookie recipe.

how to make EVIL JOHN’s EVIL espresso chocolate chip cookies:

ingredients: (substitute EVIL ingredients when possible)
2 cups all-purpose flour
¼ finely ground espresso (if your brand of evil needs more caffeine, add more and reduce the flour the same amount)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks, 1/2 pound) butter, softened (you can add shortening, but your cookies will suck and then you’re obviously not EVIL)
3/4 cup granulated [white] sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar (like the espresso you can change the amounts of the two sugars here, more of one less of the other, but if you aren’t experienced you’ll probably screw this up)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract (i often add more, but remember, i’m a bad ass)
2 eggs
3 cups (1 ½ bags) milk chocolate morsels (that’s chocolate chips, if you’re stupid)

mix the hell out of flour, baking soda, salt and espresso. in a separate bowl, beat the hell out of the butter, both sugars and the vanilla. if you have a mixer, use it. no need to strain yourself, that’s for losers. add eggs one at a time. make sure you beat it till it calls you daddy. if you haven’t wussed out by this point, gradually beat in the flour mixture. i hope the second bowl was big, cuz if not it’s gonna suck for you. okay, so i left out that step, martha does it, so can i.

stir in the chips and the hard parts over, unless you’re too stupid to operate an oven. if that’s the case, the hell with you. oh yeah, you probably should have pre-heated the oven to 375. martha only leaves out one step, EVIL JOHN leaves out two. remember she also got caught.

drop rounded tablespoons of the cookie dough on the floor. now that you’ve done that, EVIL JOHN has just tricked you into wasting food and your time. now that’s EVIL. start over and then drop the rounded tablespoons onto an ungreased baking sheet.
cook those bitches for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown. if you can wait, and you probably can’t. these mf-er’s are good! let ‘em stand for 2 minutes, then slap them on a wire rack to cool.

enjoy with milk.

don’t let regular JOHN tell you he came up with this recipe, he’s a damn liar and not creative enough to dress himself.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Ooo-Lala Evil John!

2006-01-09T23:39:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN has no butt?

or at least that’s what his wife says… and believe me, i’m not gay or hot for my twin, but i have to admit she’s right.

why do i know this? i unfortunately know this because i was doing twin surveillance, which is how EVIL twins get all this juicy information, while regular JOHN and his saint of a wife were jeans shopping.

oh, god, don’t get me started on what a water torture that was. “are these too baggy?” “are these too casual for work?” “are these too long?” “can you hem boot cut?”

how about, “do these jeans make me look like a whiny, pudgy, short guy with no fashion sense?”

luckily EVIL JOHN got the brains, the looks and the hot butt. (i hope "hot butt" gets me as many google hits as “paris hilton video” did last week.)

EVIL JOHN OUT!

and a Happy New Year, to you... in Jail!

2006-01-03T18:09:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN can’t say no?

don’t believe me? ask him about all the free time he wasted helping some strangers make a movie. i say strangers because he didn’t know them and they were strange. did he want to help them? not really. did he get paid? not at all.

read the next lines aloud in your whiniest voice: ‘oh, i’m regular JOHN, i’m a nice guy and i told them i would help them out before i knew that i would be doing all the work and giving up so much of my time.’

say no! be evil, or shut the hell up!

couple this character flaw with the fact that he never finishes anything and you’ve got a real winner on your hands. 2006 at EVIL JOHN SEZ was supposed to start with a great video directed by yours truly.

do you see any video?

so you’re an EVIL twin. your regular half makes crappy corporate videos for a living. you’re obviously gonna con him into making your video for you. especially since he’s physically incapable of not doing what he is asked, even when it will undoubtedly lead to his eventual demise.

we started shooting and most of it is done, but try to get this guy to commit to showing his butt crack or to dress up like paris hilton and he gets all wishy-washy and busy.

busy with what? figuring out where scalp hair ends and back hair begins?

EVIL JOHN OUT!

EVIL P.S. in 2006, look out wednesdays for weekly updates… tuesday night if you’re lucky and don’t have a life.

Just Wait for an Evil 2006...

2005-12-26T16:20:00.000-05:00

... bitches!!!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Jose, Can You See?!?

2005-11-10T21:41:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN doesn’t like fireworks? this guy must be half french. is there anything more all american than fireworks? it’s on that list with the loving apple pies and hot moms… strike that, reverse.

he sez that after a few explosions and bright lights, it’s pretty much just more of the same, and it lasts too long. that’s funny from a guy who loves action movies because “he loves when shit blows up.”

okay regular JOHN, where do i begin? firstly, it’s free you ingrate. not only are you getting shit blown up in real life, right in front of you, but it doesn’t cost you any more than the grass stains on your ass, as you sit and watch the free show.

secondly, it’s too long? now you’re complaining that the free shit is taking up too much of your precious time? what the hell are you going to do with this lost 20 minutes of your pathetic life? are you going to NOT write? NOT update your blog? NOT do housework? NOT get off the couch?
somehow you seem to NOT do all of these things when you’re already NOT watching fireworks.

thirdly, move to canada! we don't want you... the sad thing is i don't think they want you either.

you know what, the french can’t be all that bad, it seems they like bright lights and blowin shit up too.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

No Retreat! No Surrender!

2005-11-07T23:30:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN used to beat up his little brothers? i’d like to see him try that shit now. neither of his brothers is little anymore. sure when you were 14 and they were like 10 and 11 you were one bad mother scratcher. you were king of the hill. those were the days… and those days have passed.

now you don’t dare mess with those guys. they’d break you. they’d make you their bitch.

man, i’d pay to see that.

comeuppance! the karma express, next stop regular JOHN. what comes around is gonna kick your ass. sweet revenge is a bitch best served cold.

you get the picture. the EVIL picture!

for the record, regular JOHN never beat up EVIL JOHN. he knows better. EJ is a master of several of the deadly martial arts. as a kid rJ had a yellow belt in karate.

try me!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Call for Evil!

2005-11-04T18:32:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN ASKZ:

are you an EVIL twin? tell me about your unbearable lesser half. does he/she chew her/his toe nails? like jean claude van damme movies? vote democrat?

only tell me the true stuff, that's all i say about regular JOHN and that's all i'm interested in hearing about.. i can tell if your lying. it's an EVIL twin thing. ask mary-kate!

just add a comment, get it off your chest, speaking of chests:

did you know that regular JOHN has a hairy chest. yeah, that would be magnum p.i. sexy if it wasn't flabby and covered in orange hair. i'm not saying rJ is a balding orangutan, he just looks like a balding orangutan. see, i'm not lying.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Needs More EVIL Cow Bell!

2005-11-03T22:53:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN hates classic rock? of course just like all things rJ, there has to be a caveat. you know, i didn’t even know what that word meant until this dung dropper said it once. don’t worry, i punched him for being a pretentious prick.

the caveat is that sure he loves the stones and the beatles and the who (a.k.a. oldies). no, this knucklehead hate seventies and eighties arena rock. arena rock = EVIL. the sex, the big guitar riffs, the drugs, the tight pants, the dead drummers.

belch a few lines of 'we’re an american band' around him and you’ll hear a rant about how real rock stars don’t have to sing a song about how rockin’ they are. give me a break, corporate wedding videographer.

“now, these fine ladies, they had a plan,
they was out to meet ~~the boys in the band~~ the slouch with the video camera.”

i don’t think so.

when was the last time you helped “party it down”. never, and the worst thing about this hypocrite is that he grew up on 80’s hair bands. people who live in white lions shouldn’t go around throwing britney foxes.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

E.p.s. don’t be afraid, bitches, comment!

Evil Night, and Evil Luck.

2005-11-02T22:39:00.000-05:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN doesn’t know anything about computers? i mean sure he can turn the damn thing on, who can’t. he can download porn and send and email or two. but ask him to fix a little bug or set it up to edit video or some semi-complicated thing like that and he throws his hands up and has a hissy fit. he turns bitch.

viruses, spy-ware, .dll errors… the kid can’t get rid of pop ups to save the hair on his chiny-chin-chin!

that’s why i’m still using some crappy blog template on a free service.

i know what you are saying, ‘hey, EVIL JOHN, didn’t regular JOHN set up this blog for you? thusly, you also don’t know jack sprat about computers.’

what are you some kind of regular JOHN sympathizer? the edward r. murrow of defending blacklisted computer idiots?

you, sir are out of order!

i’m too busy being EVIL to figure this crap out. a sign of a really EVIL bastard is the ability to delegate. look it up!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Sit and Sin!

2005-10-24T21:47:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN has a demon toilet seat? look at this thing it has an apparation of some kind of pug or cat or something. i can't even crap at his house... i'm EVIL and it freaks my shit out. okay, technically it freaks my shit in. you get the idea.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Streisand!

2005-10-11T22:14:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN hates liberals? i mean who doesn’t… but the funny thing about regular JOHN is that he is a liberal, and he won’t even deny it. what he hates is other liberals and their liberal-er than thou attitudes. regular JOHN separates his recyclables and votes in the useless local elections. the kid whines locally and bitches globally.

you ever want to see regular JOHN implode? tell him you don’t even own a tv. tell him you think meat is murder and that animal testing is genocide. sure he doesn’t wear fur but throw cans of sweat on him if he buys a t shirt from walmart. (i don’t even know if i get that one.)

of course EVIL JOHN is a republican, that’s one of the things that makes me evil. i voted for george w. bush twice, and that was just in one election. (thank you, ohio!)

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Blue Moon!

2005-10-10T20:50:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN wishes he had blue hair so bad? ‘so bad’ is right, it would look ‘so bad’ on him. as i’ve mentioned before he is so not punk. i think that’s why he wants to dye his hair blue. he never did it when it was age appropriate so now he’s grasping at some ‘escape back to your youth’ bullshit. nevermind the fact that he’s a corporate clown. nevermind the fact that he’s a thirty-one year old, married, condo owner. nevermind the fact that he’s bald.

can you imagine those wispy, non-hairs on the top of his head being blue? i can. in fact if i don’t finish this post it’s because i’ve died laughing. i’d love to see a blue half-headband that semi-circles around a pink skin-yalmuka. kinda like that star wars character but sad and so not punk.

go ahead regular JOHN and dye your hair blue, or red, or green, the world could use a little more laugher… EVIL laughter!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

EVIL JOHNS in 2008!

2005-09-28T11:43:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN once made his brother step on a tack? that sounds more like an EVIL JOHN thing than a regular JOHN thing, but it’s true. oh, and it wasn’t an accident, it was on purpose. sure, rJ was like 5 years old, but it was a sign of a bad seed. fortunately for me, he’s has been regretting it for years, so i always bring it up to remind him how EVIL he can be. i like to watch him squirm with guilt.

it’s actually a good thing that this didn’t continue because EVIL JOHN would have had trouble differentiating himself from regular JOHN. but imagine if there were two EVIL JOHNS. the perfect evil tag team. wow, world domination would have been a piece of cake. when we turn 35 we could run for president and be the first EVIL TWIN president/vp in history. oh, wait, present administration excluded.

i know, it’s only a dream, a beautiful, beautiful dream… hey, has anyone seen my thumbtacks?

EVIL JOHN OUT

Movie Night!

2005-09-16T14:42:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN likes the worst movies? exhibit 1: joe versus the volcano. joe versus the what are you friggin kidding me? i thought regular john was supposed to be some film-major-snobby-noir-french-new-wave-dogma-85-i-don’t-even-know-what -i’m-saying-art-house pretentious asshole.

(turner and hooch era) tom hanks jumps into a friggin’ volcano? and lives? abe vagoda is a polynesian king that drinks orange soda? meg ryan plays 3 different people?

exhibit 2: amelie. a french film about a chick who goes around doing good deeds?

french?
chick?
good deeds?
chick?
french?

i don’t know where to begin. why can’t i be (predator era) arnold schwarzenegger’s EVIL twin?

john, what the hell is your problem? watch a movie with balls.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Idaho!!!

2005-09-15T13:06:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is horrible at updating his blog? he is so bad at it that it’s starting rub off on me, his EVIL twin, EVIL JOHN. have you seen his site? he hasn’t updated since, july 31. oh, sure he was busy, he was on vacation, and don’t let him feed you any bullshit about there not being any computers in montana, they do have a website. where do you think that came from? idaho? i doubt that shit very much! idaho wouldn’t give montana a fuckin’ potato if it was starving, and believe me idaho has potatoes to spare. they throw out more potatoes than… than… i don’t know what.

sorry, idaho, just has such an elitist attitude that pisses me off, much like regular JOHN.

all i know is that if you want people to read your blog you should put some effort into putting something up to read. regular JOHN i’m looking in your direction and stop sucking me into your bad habits.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Troubled Waters!

2005-08-26T10:50:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is afraid of bridges over water? what the hell kind of fear is that? if you've ever seen him drive over one it's hilarious. he gets in the middle lane, drives real slow, doesn't talk to anyone one and stares straight forward. his knuckles get all white from gripping the wheel and i don't think he breathes. (which is trouble on your longer bridges.)

and don’t ask him to tell you about it. i made that mistake once and i couldn’t shut his ass up.

here’s a brief run down of what he said, ‘first you’re in a car and you might crash and die or you might survive, then you might hit the guard rail and die or you might survive, and then you might go over the guard rail and fall into the water and die or you might survive, and then get trapped in your car and you might die or you might survive, and then you somehow get out of your car and you freeze to death in the water or can’t get to shore in time and you might die.’

does your EVIL head hurt? mine does. i might be EVIL but i think regular JOHN is disturbed, and not in that ‘i’m so deep and people don’t get me’ way, more in that that ‘i probably have piles of bodies in my basement’ way.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Fade to Suck!

2005-08-23T16:36:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN has a website too? i bet you didn’t know that because nobody knows it. that shlub has had a website since january and i’ve had one for two months and i’m already kicking ass in the comment department. he’s had like 10 people comment on his and i’ve had 29.

and man is it boring…’oh, i’m a struggling screenwriter’ blah, blah, blah. who cares about your stupid hobby? why don’t you start a website about paint drying. first, it would be more exciting than hearing about the progress of a movie you some day will start writing and as a bonus you might get high on the paint fumes and when you’re tripping out you might actually think of ideas that people might want to see.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Grape Mugglers!

2005-08-15T22:37:00.000-04:00

mack mama ASKZ:

dear EVIL JOHN,
i don't think you're really that evil, cos nothing really bad has happened to regular john yet. not that i'm suggesting you blind him with a margarita glass full of acid or anything, but i think your evil is a state of mind. however, you seem to give good advice, so here's a question for you - if you were in a rowboat in a shark-filled sea with regular john, paula abdul, kato kaelin, donald trump, and jk rowling, who would you toss out first, and why?

EVIL JOHN RESPONDZ:

i don’t know about you people, but to me, EVIL isn’t always about maiming and facial scarring. don’t get me wrong, there is definitely a time and a place for your chinese water, your rack stretching and/or your hot-poker burning tortures. more often than not, however, the authorities get involved. and ever since johnny cochrane died, it’s getting tougher and more expensive to keep an EVIL twin out of jail. plus you never really get the smell of burning pubic hair out of even your better-ventilated root cellars.

now on to your question… and it’s a good one, i had to rack my EVIL brain to decide. actually that’s not true. trump! without a doubt, without hesitation, trump! that show sucks and he sucks. i can’t wait to see the look on his face as the sharks are eating him alive and i point my outstretched hand, not to offer help, but to say, ‘you’re chum.’

what i was really racking my brain about was how to explain why i wouldn’t throw regular JOHN into the blood red waters behind ‘the donald’. don’t think i’m a softie. remember, i’m EVIL. damn EVIL. but without a regular twin, what is the use of an EVIL twin? what am i going to do with this website?

post EVIL recipes?

speculate about the upcoming season of lost?

make millions selling porn? wait, let me think about that one.

kato and paula have their own troubles, feeding them to sharks would be like sweet release for them.

jk rowling? and not find out what happens to harry, hermione and ron? you crazy?

EVIL JOHN OUT!

North To The Future

2005-08-14T21:45:00.000-04:00

crosner ASKZ:

EVIL JOHN,
why won't regular John visit Alaska? His wife wants to come up and see the mountains and the splendor and all that crap, but regular John always whines about wanting to have running water. Well, we have that here. Is it because he's afraid of mosquitoes? Or is he too embarrassed to admit that he wants to see The Donnas at the Palmer State Fair cuz they're a chick band? Or maybe it's cuz he's scared of the grizzly he'll probably meet when he fishes for reds on the Russian. I bet EVIL JOHN would know what to do with a charging bear!

EVIL JOHN RESPONDZ:

i think you’ve got this all mixed up. i can’t speak for regular JOHN but EVIL JOHN wouldn’t be caught dead in alaska. mosquitoes? they suck! wind chill? that blows! there’s a reason why russia sold us alaska for 24 dollars in beads. which, if adjusted for inflation, would buy you a bottle of ranch dressing and a case of shells for your twelve gauge at fred meyer. doesn’t the fact that russia thinks a place it too cold and remote tell you anything?

don’t get me wrong alaska is one of the top 4 states*. it’s just that i’m too used to my favorite EVIL sushi restaurant, my favorite EVIL starbucks, and my favorite EVIL dentist – and i’m pretty sure they don’t have any of those in alaska, EVIL or otherwise.

actually that sounds like a place regular JOHN would love to go, but just like his film career, him doing housework and his homemade dirigible… i don’t see it ever actually happening.

EVIL JOHN versus a bear? no contest. i’ll give yogi and booboo a picnic basket full o' whip ass.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

*of states that begin with A.

The Answer my Friends...

2005-08-09T09:11:00.000-04:00

TRUCK TURNER ASKZ:

Dear Evil,
How do I get random women to sleep with me? Is there an evil phrase that will get them to fall under an evil spell? I tried asking reg. John (regular, that's a hoot)but he was to preoccupied doing his nails. Easily distracted. I tried a second time and he was knitting a shawl, so f-him. Sorry for getting off the subject of corrupting womens souls but this guy John is constantly pisssing me off. Just this morning he was chasing butterflys around in pantiloons! Giggling like a school girl! Evil, get this guy a pair of nads!

EVIL JOHN ANSWERZ:

using an EVIL spell to get random women to sleep with you is a very EVIL pursuit. i commend you. i wonder, truck, if you are an EVIL twin yourself?

firstly, i can’t believe you even bothered to even ask regular JOHN, he’s the wrong guy to ask. in fact there couldn’t be a more wrong guy. i think that the only spell that he casts on women is one of pity.

back to your question. (i see how easily it is to be distracted into attacking regular JOHN.) from my experience the only EVIL phrase that would seduce random women into sleeping with you would be a simple statement that refers to the largeness of one of any of your many possessions. you could say something like, "hey pretty lady, do you want to see my huge (bank account/mansion/genitalia) and take a ride on my (yacht/luxury automobile/private jet/genitalia)".

now, you may or may not have any of those oversized possessions. if you do not, they can be purchased (or most of them can). however, if you are truly EVIL, there is really only one way to get them… steal them.

whatever you do, and to get whatever you want, if in doubt, i suggest that you just act EVIL. to help and inspire you and my legion of fans, i soon will begin selling black plastic bracelets inscribed with the simple reminder: WWEJD?

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Losers 'n Things!

2005-08-07T14:18:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is not punk? i don’t mean he’s not a punk ass bitch, which he is, or that he listens to punk rock, which he doesn’t, i mean that he might try to act like some cool guy who’s too cool for the mainstream, but he’s full of piss.

guess where i saw him last week? bed bath and beyond! i shit you not. housewives shop at bed bath and beyond - not used t-shirt wearin’, hipster, faded jean, rockin’, cool guys. there is no need for a 'guy' to go to bed bath and beyond. you never see EVIL guys there. wanna know why that is? how about all the wicker hampers or the reversible shower curtains or the shams?

what, beside regular JOHN, is a sham? ask him, i’m sure he knows.

don’t let him try to play it off by telling you he was buying an electric toothbrush. clean teeth is not punk. cavities are punk.

kid, you’re not cool. you’re not with it. you’re O.C. not O.G.

by the way, If you see regular JOHN, ask him if who picked out his living room window treatments.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Gross!

2005-08-03T10:30:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that JOHN is a real pansy when he gets a cold? he has one now and he is fucking unbearable. it’s not like he’s complaining, which would be fine because i’d just slap him in the mouth and tell him to shut it. no, he’s totally lazy and out of it and not really doing much to help himself. his wife asked him if he was taking any medicine and he said no because he didn’t know what to take. whiny bitch, he just sat on the couch and expected people to take care of him. speaking of his poor wife, she has the same cold he has and what did she do? she worked in the yard all weekend, she went to work, she’s living her life. the only thing JOHN is doing is wandering around with a blank look on his face and putting a permanent dent in the cushions of their couch.

and you want to see a pissed off EVIL twin? See what happens if he gets my ass sick! oh man, don’t even!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Good?!?

2005-08-02T12:09:00.000-04:00

SPACEJERK ASKZ:

Why is Good John such a cock-bag?

EVIL JOHN ANSWERZ:

there are two things wrong with this question: firstly, i don’t know any good JOHN. there’s regular JOHN. and although we are complete opposites, it would be a stretch to call him good. if you’ve actually read my blog, you’d no there ain’t much good about regular JOHN. he ain’t a good husband, he ain’t a good listener, he don’t have good taste in music… he ain’t good at nothing. if he was good, then i wouldn’t have to point out all his faults.

secondly, a cock-bag? is that the thing they put over the head of a rooster, right before a cockfight? i don’t see the reference.

but thanks for asking.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Kick it to the Curb!

2005-08-02T11:56:00.000-04:00

note: this was posted earlier but somehow disappeared. regular JOHN better not be behind this!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you ever hear one of JOHN’S crazy rants? he’salways complaining about somebody messing with somebody or some politician lying about god knows what. who cares about that shit and more importantly, who cares what you think about that shit? his most recent tirade is about those employee discount sales that the car companies are blabbing about. he says, ‘i bet those cars aren’t any cheaper than they were this time last year, people are just falling for clever marketing.’ the most annoying thing is that he always ends it with, ‘i don’t know though, i haven’t done the research, so maybe i’m wrong.’ well, look that shit up before you start spouting off like some kind of left-wing liberal-media bastard.

i tell you what, regular JOHN, don’t come askin’ EVIL JOHN for a ride in his 2005 chevy cobalt, bitch… and i don’t even work for gm. ha ha ha!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

An EVIL New Addition

2005-08-02T08:42:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that EVIL JOHN gives advice? not just any kind of advice... EVIL advice. so if you have some kind of question or life problem that can only be solved by some sage words from a practitioner of pure EVIL, do not hesitate to submit a question on the comment section of this post or email my new EVIL yahoo account: eviljohnsez@yahoo.com.

please note that although i have been EVIL for over three decades, i am neither a licensed EVIL therapist nor technically an EVIL genius... nor am i bonded.

offer not valid in NJ.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

What!?!

2005-07-31T16:17:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that JOHN never listens? what is his friggin’ problem? have you ever ridden in a car with this guy? He’s always, ‘hey, did you say left or right?’ or at home, ‘what did you say we were having for dinner?’ or ‘did i already ask you that?’ or ‘EVIL JOHN, what did you say your website was going to be about?’

and don’t get me started on the wax in his ears, after every shower he cleans enough wax out of his ears to get a goth chick all hot and bothered. it’s gross and it turns my EVIL stomach. have you ever been around him when his ears get all clogged with that shit? it’s unbearable trying to talk to that freak, he’s all ‘what? what?’ and then he’s all polite, like ‘sorry, i’m having trouble hearing you, can you say that again?’ NO damn it. clean your ears out like the rest of us or go to the doctor and get that shit fixed. you’re like a yankee candle factory that only has one scent and it’s ‘gross-ass sick ear butter.’

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Grow Some!

2005-07-29T13:35:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that the first album JOHN ever bought was thriller by that pervert michael jackson? and the first cassette tape he ever bought was culture club. do i even have to say anything more? come on! is there any wonder why he turned out the way he did? and have you ever listened to his ipod? it’s got tons of hair band shit. when the children cry? nelson? bon jovi?

are you a chick in an acid washed jean jacket?

jesus!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Mess!

2005-07-28T10:35:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that JOHN is a real friggin’ slob? the guy’s barely housebroken. he always leaves dishes in the sink for days… sure, he says he’s letting them soak, but for god’s sake, they’re non stick pans. you have a dishwasher, asshole. do you know what you’re doing to your poor wife? not only does she has to clean up after your ass, but have you ever made the bed? have you ever turned off a light? and damn it, cook a meal for once!

EVIL JOHN OUT

p.s. JEN, if you’re tired of his bullshit and want to come over to the dark side, call me. unfortunately i don’t have a phone or anything, just call JOHN with a fake voice and ask for me. xoxo

EVIL JOHN 1, JOHN 0

2005-07-27T10:37:00.000-04:00

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

can you believe the cheesy ass blog template that JOHN set up for me? with dots and shit? JOHN knows i can’t do anything with a computer so he set up this site for me, probably so i’d go easy on him, but then he blew it and made the gayest looking site possible. no offense to gay people, just to JOHN.

well he’s going to rue the day he fucked me like that! for example:

EVIL JOHN SEZ: did you know that JOHN watches ‘what not to wear’ between innings of red sox games? even when his wife isn’t around? and sometimes he gets so wrapped up in learning about slimming skirt styles and using eye shodow in your crease that he forgets to turn back to the game?

fairy.

EVIL JOHN OUT!