EVIL JOHN SEZ:
did you know that regular JOHN makes cookies? too bad he’s not a woman: other than the fact that he’d be the ugliest woman on earth, he makes a mean cookie. how many hetero men make cookies? in fact, how many gay men make cookies?
none that i’d like to know.
one thing, possibly the only thing regular JOHN and EVIL JOHN can agree on is a good cookie. in a departure from regular EVIL rants comes this week’s (belated – don’t ask) post… an EVIL cookie recipe.
how to make EVIL JOHN’s EVIL espresso chocolate chip cookies:
ingredients: (substitute EVIL ingredients when possible)
2 cups all-purpose flour
¼ finely ground espresso (if your brand of evil needs more caffeine, add more and reduce the flour the same amount)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks, 1/2 pound) butter, softened (you can add shortening, but your cookies will suck and then you’re obviously not EVIL)
3/4 cup granulated [white] sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar (like the espresso you can change the amounts of the two sugars here, more of one less of the other, but if you aren’t experienced you’ll probably screw this up)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract (i often add more, but remember, i’m a bad ass)
2 eggs
3 cups (1 ½ bags) milk chocolate morsels (that’s chocolate chips, if you’re stupid)
mix the hell out of flour, baking soda, salt and espresso. in a separate bowl, beat the hell out of the butter, both sugars and the vanilla. if you have a mixer, use it. no need to strain yourself, that’s for losers. add eggs one at a time. make sure you beat it till it calls you daddy. if you haven’t wussed out by this point, gradually beat in the flour mixture. i hope the second bowl was big, cuz if not it’s gonna suck for you. okay, so i left out that step, martha does it, so can i.
stir in the chips and the hard parts over, unless you’re too stupid to operate an oven. if that’s the case, the hell with you. oh yeah, you probably should have pre-heated the oven to 375. martha only leaves out one step, EVIL JOHN leaves out two. remember she also got caught.
drop rounded tablespoons of the cookie dough on the floor. now that you’ve done that, EVIL JOHN has just tricked you into wasting food and your time. now that’s EVIL. start over and then drop the rounded tablespoons onto an ungreased baking sheet.
cook those bitches for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown. if you can wait, and you probably can’t. these mf-er’s are good! let ‘em stand for 2 minutes, then slap them on a wire rack to cool.
enjoy with milk.
don’t let regular JOHN tell you he came up with this recipe, he’s a damn liar and not creative enough to dress himself.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
