EVIL JOHN SEZ:
did you know that regular JOHN is afraid of bridges over water? what the hell kind of fear is that? if you've ever seen him drive over one it's hilarious. he gets in the middle lane, drives real slow, doesn't talk to anyone one and stares straight forward. his knuckles get all white from gripping the wheel and i don't think he breathes. (which is trouble on your longer bridges.)
and don’t ask him to tell you about it. i made that mistake once and i couldn’t shut his ass up.
here’s a brief run down of what he said, ‘first you’re in a car and you might crash and die or you might survive, then you might hit the guard rail and die or you might survive, and then you might go over the guard rail and fall into the water and die or you might survive, and then get trapped in your car and you might die or you might survive, and then you somehow get out of your car and you freeze to death in the water or can’t get to shore in time and you might die.’
does your EVIL head hurt? mine does. i might be EVIL but i think regular JOHN is disturbed, and not in that ‘i’m so deep and people don’t get me’ way, more in that that ‘i probably have piles of bodies in my basement’ way.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Fade to Suck!
EVIL JOHN SEZ:
did you know that regular JOHN has a website too? i bet you didn’t know that because nobody knows it. that shlub has had a website since january and i’ve had one for two months and i’m already kicking ass in the comment department. he’s had like 10 people comment on his and i’ve had 29.
and man is it boring…’oh, i’m a struggling screenwriter’ blah, blah, blah. who cares about your stupid hobby? why don’t you start a website about paint drying. first, it would be more exciting than hearing about the progress of a movie you some day will start writing and as a bonus you might get high on the paint fumes and when you’re tripping out you might actually think of ideas that people might want to see.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
did you know that regular JOHN has a website too? i bet you didn’t know that because nobody knows it. that shlub has had a website since january and i’ve had one for two months and i’m already kicking ass in the comment department. he’s had like 10 people comment on his and i’ve had 29.
and man is it boring…’oh, i’m a struggling screenwriter’ blah, blah, blah. who cares about your stupid hobby? why don’t you start a website about paint drying. first, it would be more exciting than hearing about the progress of a movie you some day will start writing and as a bonus you might get high on the paint fumes and when you’re tripping out you might actually think of ideas that people might want to see.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
Monday, August 15, 2005
Grape Mugglers!
mack mama ASKZ:
dear EVIL JOHN,
i don't think you're really that evil, cos nothing really bad has happened to regular john yet. not that i'm suggesting you blind him with a margarita glass full of acid or anything, but i think your evil is a state of mind. however, you seem to give good advice, so here's a question for you - if you were in a rowboat in a shark-filled sea with regular john, paula abdul, kato kaelin, donald trump, and jk rowling, who would you toss out first, and why?
EVIL JOHN RESPONDZ:
i don’t know about you people, but to me, EVIL isn’t always about maiming and facial scarring. don’t get me wrong, there is definitely a time and a place for your chinese water, your rack stretching and/or your hot-poker burning tortures. more often than not, however, the authorities get involved. and ever since johnny cochrane died, it’s getting tougher and more expensive to keep an EVIL twin out of jail. plus you never really get the smell of burning pubic hair out of even your better-ventilated root cellars.
now on to your question… and it’s a good one, i had to rack my EVIL brain to decide. actually that’s not true. trump! without a doubt, without hesitation, trump! that show sucks and he sucks. i can’t wait to see the look on his face as the sharks are eating him alive and i point my outstretched hand, not to offer help, but to say, ‘you’re chum.’
what i was really racking my brain about was how to explain why i wouldn’t throw regular JOHN into the blood red waters behind ‘the donald’. don’t think i’m a softie. remember, i’m EVIL. damn EVIL. but without a regular twin, what is the use of an EVIL twin? what am i going to do with this website?
post EVIL recipes?
speculate about the upcoming season of lost?
make millions selling porn? wait, let me think about that one.
kato and paula have their own troubles, feeding them to sharks would be like sweet release for them.
jk rowling? and not find out what happens to harry, hermione and ron? you crazy?
EVIL JOHN OUT!
dear EVIL JOHN,
i don't think you're really that evil, cos nothing really bad has happened to regular john yet. not that i'm suggesting you blind him with a margarita glass full of acid or anything, but i think your evil is a state of mind. however, you seem to give good advice, so here's a question for you - if you were in a rowboat in a shark-filled sea with regular john, paula abdul, kato kaelin, donald trump, and jk rowling, who would you toss out first, and why?
EVIL JOHN RESPONDZ:
i don’t know about you people, but to me, EVIL isn’t always about maiming and facial scarring. don’t get me wrong, there is definitely a time and a place for your chinese water, your rack stretching and/or your hot-poker burning tortures. more often than not, however, the authorities get involved. and ever since johnny cochrane died, it’s getting tougher and more expensive to keep an EVIL twin out of jail. plus you never really get the smell of burning pubic hair out of even your better-ventilated root cellars.
now on to your question… and it’s a good one, i had to rack my EVIL brain to decide. actually that’s not true. trump! without a doubt, without hesitation, trump! that show sucks and he sucks. i can’t wait to see the look on his face as the sharks are eating him alive and i point my outstretched hand, not to offer help, but to say, ‘you’re chum.’
what i was really racking my brain about was how to explain why i wouldn’t throw regular JOHN into the blood red waters behind ‘the donald’. don’t think i’m a softie. remember, i’m EVIL. damn EVIL. but without a regular twin, what is the use of an EVIL twin? what am i going to do with this website?
post EVIL recipes?
speculate about the upcoming season of lost?
make millions selling porn? wait, let me think about that one.
kato and paula have their own troubles, feeding them to sharks would be like sweet release for them.
jk rowling? and not find out what happens to harry, hermione and ron? you crazy?
EVIL JOHN OUT!
Sunday, August 14, 2005
North To The Future
crosner ASKZ:
EVIL JOHN,
why won't regular John visit Alaska? His wife wants to come up and see the mountains and the splendor and all that crap, but regular John always whines about wanting to have running water. Well, we have that here. Is it because he's afraid of mosquitoes? Or is he too embarrassed to admit that he wants to see The Donnas at the Palmer State Fair cuz they're a chick band? Or maybe it's cuz he's scared of the grizzly he'll probably meet when he fishes for reds on the Russian. I bet EVIL JOHN would know what to do with a charging bear!
EVIL JOHN RESPONDZ:
i think you’ve got this all mixed up. i can’t speak for regular JOHN but EVIL JOHN wouldn’t be caught dead in alaska. mosquitoes? they suck! wind chill? that blows! there’s a reason why russia sold us alaska for 24 dollars in beads. which, if adjusted for inflation, would buy you a bottle of ranch dressing and a case of shells for your twelve gauge at fred meyer. doesn’t the fact that russia thinks a place it too cold and remote tell you anything?
don’t get me wrong alaska is one of the top 4 states*. it’s just that i’m too used to my favorite EVIL sushi restaurant, my favorite EVIL starbucks, and my favorite EVIL dentist – and i’m pretty sure they don’t have any of those in alaska, EVIL or otherwise.
actually that sounds like a place regular JOHN would love to go, but just like his film career, him doing housework and his homemade dirigible… i don’t see it ever actually happening.
EVIL JOHN versus a bear? no contest. i’ll give yogi and booboo a picnic basket full o' whip ass.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
*of states that begin with A.
EVIL JOHN,
why won't regular John visit Alaska? His wife wants to come up and see the mountains and the splendor and all that crap, but regular John always whines about wanting to have running water. Well, we have that here. Is it because he's afraid of mosquitoes? Or is he too embarrassed to admit that he wants to see The Donnas at the Palmer State Fair cuz they're a chick band? Or maybe it's cuz he's scared of the grizzly he'll probably meet when he fishes for reds on the Russian. I bet EVIL JOHN would know what to do with a charging bear!
EVIL JOHN RESPONDZ:
i think you’ve got this all mixed up. i can’t speak for regular JOHN but EVIL JOHN wouldn’t be caught dead in alaska. mosquitoes? they suck! wind chill? that blows! there’s a reason why russia sold us alaska for 24 dollars in beads. which, if adjusted for inflation, would buy you a bottle of ranch dressing and a case of shells for your twelve gauge at fred meyer. doesn’t the fact that russia thinks a place it too cold and remote tell you anything?
don’t get me wrong alaska is one of the top 4 states*. it’s just that i’m too used to my favorite EVIL sushi restaurant, my favorite EVIL starbucks, and my favorite EVIL dentist – and i’m pretty sure they don’t have any of those in alaska, EVIL or otherwise.
actually that sounds like a place regular JOHN would love to go, but just like his film career, him doing housework and his homemade dirigible… i don’t see it ever actually happening.
EVIL JOHN versus a bear? no contest. i’ll give yogi and booboo a picnic basket full o' whip ass.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
*of states that begin with A.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
The Answer my Friends...
TRUCK TURNER ASKZ:
Dear Evil,
How do I get random women to sleep with me? Is there an evil phrase that will get them to fall under an evil spell? I tried asking reg. John (regular, that's a hoot)but he was to preoccupied doing his nails. Easily distracted. I tried a second time and he was knitting a shawl, so f-him. Sorry for getting off the subject of corrupting womens souls but this guy John is constantly pisssing me off. Just this morning he was chasing butterflys around in pantiloons! Giggling like a school girl! Evil, get this guy a pair of nads!
EVIL JOHN ANSWERZ:
using an EVIL spell to get random women to sleep with you is a very EVIL pursuit. i commend you. i wonder, truck, if you are an EVIL twin yourself?
firstly, i can’t believe you even bothered to even ask regular JOHN, he’s the wrong guy to ask. in fact there couldn’t be a more wrong guy. i think that the only spell that he casts on women is one of pity.
back to your question. (i see how easily it is to be distracted into attacking regular JOHN.) from my experience the only EVIL phrase that would seduce random women into sleeping with you would be a simple statement that refers to the largeness of one of any of your many possessions. you could say something like, "hey pretty lady, do you want to see my huge (bank account/mansion/genitalia) and take a ride on my (yacht/luxury automobile/private jet/genitalia)".
now, you may or may not have any of those oversized possessions. if you do not, they can be purchased (or most of them can). however, if you are truly EVIL, there is really only one way to get them… steal them.
whatever you do, and to get whatever you want, if in doubt, i suggest that you just act EVIL. to help and inspire you and my legion of fans, i soon will begin selling black plastic bracelets inscribed with the simple reminder: WWEJD?
EVIL JOHN OUT!
Dear Evil,
How do I get random women to sleep with me? Is there an evil phrase that will get them to fall under an evil spell? I tried asking reg. John (regular, that's a hoot)but he was to preoccupied doing his nails. Easily distracted. I tried a second time and he was knitting a shawl, so f-him. Sorry for getting off the subject of corrupting womens souls but this guy John is constantly pisssing me off. Just this morning he was chasing butterflys around in pantiloons! Giggling like a school girl! Evil, get this guy a pair of nads!
EVIL JOHN ANSWERZ:
using an EVIL spell to get random women to sleep with you is a very EVIL pursuit. i commend you. i wonder, truck, if you are an EVIL twin yourself?
firstly, i can’t believe you even bothered to even ask regular JOHN, he’s the wrong guy to ask. in fact there couldn’t be a more wrong guy. i think that the only spell that he casts on women is one of pity.
back to your question. (i see how easily it is to be distracted into attacking regular JOHN.) from my experience the only EVIL phrase that would seduce random women into sleeping with you would be a simple statement that refers to the largeness of one of any of your many possessions. you could say something like, "hey pretty lady, do you want to see my huge (bank account/mansion/genitalia) and take a ride on my (yacht/luxury automobile/private jet/genitalia)".
now, you may or may not have any of those oversized possessions. if you do not, they can be purchased (or most of them can). however, if you are truly EVIL, there is really only one way to get them… steal them.
whatever you do, and to get whatever you want, if in doubt, i suggest that you just act EVIL. to help and inspire you and my legion of fans, i soon will begin selling black plastic bracelets inscribed with the simple reminder: WWEJD?
EVIL JOHN OUT!
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Losers 'n Things!
EVIL JOHN SEZ:
did you know that regular JOHN is not punk? i don’t mean he’s not a punk ass bitch, which he is, or that he listens to punk rock, which he doesn’t, i mean that he might try to act like some cool guy who’s too cool for the mainstream, but he’s full of piss.
guess where i saw him last week? bed bath and beyond! i shit you not. housewives shop at bed bath and beyond - not used t-shirt wearin’, hipster, faded jean, rockin’, cool guys. there is no need for a 'guy' to go to bed bath and beyond. you never see EVIL guys there. wanna know why that is? how about all the wicker hampers or the reversible shower curtains or the shams?
what, beside regular JOHN, is a sham? ask him, i’m sure he knows.
don’t let him try to play it off by telling you he was buying an electric toothbrush. clean teeth is not punk. cavities are punk.
kid, you’re not cool. you’re not with it. you’re O.C. not O.G.
by the way, If you see regular JOHN, ask him if who picked out his living room window treatments.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
did you know that regular JOHN is not punk? i don’t mean he’s not a punk ass bitch, which he is, or that he listens to punk rock, which he doesn’t, i mean that he might try to act like some cool guy who’s too cool for the mainstream, but he’s full of piss.
guess where i saw him last week? bed bath and beyond! i shit you not. housewives shop at bed bath and beyond - not used t-shirt wearin’, hipster, faded jean, rockin’, cool guys. there is no need for a 'guy' to go to bed bath and beyond. you never see EVIL guys there. wanna know why that is? how about all the wicker hampers or the reversible shower curtains or the shams?
what, beside regular JOHN, is a sham? ask him, i’m sure he knows.
don’t let him try to play it off by telling you he was buying an electric toothbrush. clean teeth is not punk. cavities are punk.
kid, you’re not cool. you’re not with it. you’re O.C. not O.G.
by the way, If you see regular JOHN, ask him if who picked out his living room window treatments.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Gross!
EVIL JOHN SEZ:
did you know that JOHN is a real pansy when he gets a cold? he has one now and he is fucking unbearable. it’s not like he’s complaining, which would be fine because i’d just slap him in the mouth and tell him to shut it. no, he’s totally lazy and out of it and not really doing much to help himself. his wife asked him if he was taking any medicine and he said no because he didn’t know what to take. whiny bitch, he just sat on the couch and expected people to take care of him. speaking of his poor wife, she has the same cold he has and what did she do? she worked in the yard all weekend, she went to work, she’s living her life. the only thing JOHN is doing is wandering around with a blank look on his face and putting a permanent dent in the cushions of their couch.
and you want to see a pissed off EVIL twin? See what happens if he gets my ass sick! oh man, don’t even!
EVIL JOHN OUT!
did you know that JOHN is a real pansy when he gets a cold? he has one now and he is fucking unbearable. it’s not like he’s complaining, which would be fine because i’d just slap him in the mouth and tell him to shut it. no, he’s totally lazy and out of it and not really doing much to help himself. his wife asked him if he was taking any medicine and he said no because he didn’t know what to take. whiny bitch, he just sat on the couch and expected people to take care of him. speaking of his poor wife, she has the same cold he has and what did she do? she worked in the yard all weekend, she went to work, she’s living her life. the only thing JOHN is doing is wandering around with a blank look on his face and putting a permanent dent in the cushions of their couch.
and you want to see a pissed off EVIL twin? See what happens if he gets my ass sick! oh man, don’t even!
EVIL JOHN OUT!
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Good?!?
SPACEJERK ASKZ:
Why is Good John such a cock-bag?
EVIL JOHN ANSWERZ:
there are two things wrong with this question: firstly, i don’t know any good JOHN. there’s regular JOHN. and although we are complete opposites, it would be a stretch to call him good. if you’ve actually read my blog, you’d no there ain’t much good about regular JOHN. he ain’t a good husband, he ain’t a good listener, he don’t have good taste in music… he ain’t good at nothing. if he was good, then i wouldn’t have to point out all his faults.
secondly, a cock-bag? is that the thing they put over the head of a rooster, right before a cockfight? i don’t see the reference.
but thanks for asking.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
Why is Good John such a cock-bag?
EVIL JOHN ANSWERZ:
there are two things wrong with this question: firstly, i don’t know any good JOHN. there’s regular JOHN. and although we are complete opposites, it would be a stretch to call him good. if you’ve actually read my blog, you’d no there ain’t much good about regular JOHN. he ain’t a good husband, he ain’t a good listener, he don’t have good taste in music… he ain’t good at nothing. if he was good, then i wouldn’t have to point out all his faults.
secondly, a cock-bag? is that the thing they put over the head of a rooster, right before a cockfight? i don’t see the reference.
but thanks for asking.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
Kick it to the Curb!
note: this was posted earlier but somehow disappeared. regular JOHN better not be behind this!
EVIL JOHN SEZ:
did you ever hear one of JOHN’S crazy rants? he’salways complaining about somebody messing with somebody or some politician lying about god knows what. who cares about that shit and more importantly, who cares what you think about that shit? his most recent tirade is about those employee discount sales that the car companies are blabbing about. he says, ‘i bet those cars aren’t any cheaper than they were this time last year, people are just falling for clever marketing.’ the most annoying thing is that he always ends it with, ‘i don’t know though, i haven’t done the research, so maybe i’m wrong.’ well, look that shit up before you start spouting off like some kind of left-wing liberal-media bastard.
i tell you what, regular JOHN, don’t come askin’ EVIL JOHN for a ride in his 2005 chevy cobalt, bitch… and i don’t even work for gm. ha ha ha!
EVIL JOHN OUT!
EVIL JOHN SEZ:
did you ever hear one of JOHN’S crazy rants? he’salways complaining about somebody messing with somebody or some politician lying about god knows what. who cares about that shit and more importantly, who cares what you think about that shit? his most recent tirade is about those employee discount sales that the car companies are blabbing about. he says, ‘i bet those cars aren’t any cheaper than they were this time last year, people are just falling for clever marketing.’ the most annoying thing is that he always ends it with, ‘i don’t know though, i haven’t done the research, so maybe i’m wrong.’ well, look that shit up before you start spouting off like some kind of left-wing liberal-media bastard.
i tell you what, regular JOHN, don’t come askin’ EVIL JOHN for a ride in his 2005 chevy cobalt, bitch… and i don’t even work for gm. ha ha ha!
EVIL JOHN OUT!
An EVIL New Addition
EVIL JOHN SEZ:
did you know that EVIL JOHN gives advice? not just any kind of advice... EVIL advice. so if you have some kind of question or life problem that can only be solved by some sage words from a practitioner of pure EVIL, do not hesitate to submit a question on the comment section of this post or email my new EVIL yahoo account: eviljohnsez@yahoo.com.
please note that although i have been EVIL for over three decades, i am neither a licensed EVIL therapist nor technically an EVIL genius... nor am i bonded.
offer not valid in NJ.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
did you know that EVIL JOHN gives advice? not just any kind of advice... EVIL advice. so if you have some kind of question or life problem that can only be solved by some sage words from a practitioner of pure EVIL, do not hesitate to submit a question on the comment section of this post or email my new EVIL yahoo account: eviljohnsez@yahoo.com.
please note that although i have been EVIL for over three decades, i am neither a licensed EVIL therapist nor technically an EVIL genius... nor am i bonded.
offer not valid in NJ.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
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