crosner ASKZ:
EVIL JOHN,
why won't regular John visit Alaska? His wife wants to come up and see the mountains and the splendor and all that crap, but regular John always whines about wanting to have running water. Well, we have that here. Is it because he's afraid of mosquitoes? Or is he too embarrassed to admit that he wants to see The Donnas at the Palmer State Fair cuz they're a chick band? Or maybe it's cuz he's scared of the grizzly he'll probably meet when he fishes for reds on the Russian. I bet EVIL JOHN would know what to do with a charging bear!
EVIL JOHN RESPONDZ:
i think you’ve got this all mixed up. i can’t speak for regular JOHN but EVIL JOHN wouldn’t be caught dead in alaska. mosquitoes? they suck! wind chill? that blows! there’s a reason why russia sold us alaska for 24 dollars in beads. which, if adjusted for inflation, would buy you a bottle of ranch dressing and a case of shells for your twelve gauge at fred meyer. doesn’t the fact that russia thinks a place it too cold and remote tell you anything?
don’t get me wrong alaska is one of the top 4 states*. it’s just that i’m too used to my favorite EVIL sushi restaurant, my favorite EVIL starbucks, and my favorite EVIL dentist – and i’m pretty sure they don’t have any of those in alaska, EVIL or otherwise.
actually that sounds like a place regular JOHN would love to go, but just like his film career, him doing housework and his homemade dirigible… i don’t see it ever actually happening.
EVIL JOHN versus a bear? no contest. i’ll give yogi and booboo a picnic basket full o' whip ass.
EVIL JOHN OUT!
*of states that begin with A.
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1 comment:
dear EVIL JOHN,
i don't think you're really that evil, cos nothing really bad has happened to regular john yet. not that i'm suggesting you blind him with a margarita glass full of acid or anything, but i think your evil is a state of mind. however, you seem to give good advice, so here's a question for you - if you were in a rowboat in a shark-filled sea with regular john, paula abdul, kato kaelin, donald trump, and jk rowling, who would you toss out first, and why?
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