Grape Mugglers!

mack mama ASKZ:

dear EVIL JOHN,
i don't think you're really that evil, cos nothing really bad has happened to regular john yet. not that i'm suggesting you blind him with a margarita glass full of acid or anything, but i think your evil is a state of mind. however, you seem to give good advice, so here's a question for you - if you were in a rowboat in a shark-filled sea with regular john, paula abdul, kato kaelin, donald trump, and jk rowling, who would you toss out first, and why?

EVIL JOHN RESPONDZ:

i don’t know about you people, but to me, EVIL isn’t always about maiming and facial scarring. don’t get me wrong, there is definitely a time and a place for your chinese water, your rack stretching and/or your hot-poker burning tortures. more often than not, however, the authorities get involved. and ever since johnny cochrane died, it’s getting tougher and more expensive to keep an EVIL twin out of jail. plus you never really get the smell of burning pubic hair out of even your better-ventilated root cellars.

now on to your question… and it’s a good one, i had to rack my EVIL brain to decide. actually that’s not true. trump! without a doubt, without hesitation, trump! that show sucks and he sucks. i can’t wait to see the look on his face as the sharks are eating him alive and i point my outstretched hand, not to offer help, but to say, ‘you’re chum.’

what i was really racking my brain about was how to explain why i wouldn’t throw regular JOHN into the blood red waters behind ‘the donald’. don’t think i’m a softie. remember, i’m EVIL. damn EVIL. but without a regular twin, what is the use of an EVIL twin? what am i going to do with this website?

post EVIL recipes?

speculate about the upcoming season of lost?

make millions selling porn? wait, let me think about that one.

kato and paula have their own troubles, feeding them to sharks would be like sweet release for them.

jk rowling? and not find out what happens to harry, hermione and ron? you crazy?

EVIL JOHN OUT!