TRUCK TURNER ASKZ:
Dear Evil,
How do I get random women to sleep with me? Is there an evil phrase that will get them to fall under an evil spell? I tried asking reg. John (regular, that's a hoot)but he was to preoccupied doing his nails. Easily distracted. I tried a second time and he was knitting a shawl, so f-him. Sorry for getting off the subject of corrupting womens souls but this guy John is constantly pisssing me off. Just this morning he was chasing butterflys around in pantiloons! Giggling like a school girl! Evil, get this guy a pair of nads!
EVIL JOHN ANSWERZ:
using an EVIL spell to get random women to sleep with you is a very EVIL pursuit. i commend you. i wonder, truck, if you are an EVIL twin yourself?
firstly, i can’t believe you even bothered to even ask regular JOHN, he’s the wrong guy to ask. in fact there couldn’t be a more wrong guy. i think that the only spell that he casts on women is one of pity.
back to your question. (i see how easily it is to be distracted into attacking regular JOHN.) from my experience the only EVIL phrase that would seduce random women into sleeping with you would be a simple statement that refers to the largeness of one of any of your many possessions. you could say something like, "hey pretty lady, do you want to see my huge (bank account/mansion/genitalia) and take a ride on my (yacht/luxury automobile/private jet/genitalia)".
now, you may or may not have any of those oversized possessions. if you do not, they can be purchased (or most of them can). however, if you are truly EVIL, there is really only one way to get them… steal them.
whatever you do, and to get whatever you want, if in doubt, i suggest that you just act EVIL. to help and inspire you and my legion of fans, i soon will begin selling black plastic bracelets inscribed with the simple reminder: WWEJD?
EVIL JOHN OUT!
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2 comments:
EVIL JOHN, why won't regular John visit Alaska? His wife wants to come up and see the mountains and the splendor and all that crap, but regular John always whines about wanting to have running water. Well, we have that here. Is it because he's afraid of mosquitoes? Or is he too embarrassed to admit that he wants to see The Donnas at the Palmer State Fair cuz they're a chick band? Or maybe it's cuz he's scared of the grizzly he'll probably meet when he fishes for reds on the Russian. I bet EVIL JOHN would know what to do with a charging bear!
Evil John,
Could you explain why I am having feelings that I like the Patriots more than my own Red Sox? I just cannot wait until tomorrow nights pre-season game. Unfortunately I'll be dealing with my own team. Oh how I wish I could be Bill Bill Bilicheck? Now that he is seperated I'm wondering if he would go out with me?
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