Rube!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is helping EVIL JOHN? and he doesn’t even know it?

don’t believe me? check this out:



a. regular JOHN hits the snooze button on his alarm clock, b. it inflates a balloon that slowly tips over an iron on a cat with a piece of buttered toast strapped to it’s back, c. the cat flies in the air, d. because a cat always lands on it’s feet and a piece of buttered toast always lands face down, they both spin indefinitely, E. the spinning forces air into a tube that drops a baseball into a f. pitching machine, g. the baseball smashes a window, h. the shards of glass fall on carefully positioned dominoes, i. the dominoes climb up the stairs until one falls, J. on a button which sends a post to EVILJOHNSEZ.blogspot.com!

that was easy!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

You Say EVIL...

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is allergic to fruit? he's not allergic to fruits... this ain't a gay thing, although I have my suspicions, questions & concerns. this is about the fact that if regular JOHN eats a fresh fruit or vegetable, his mouth gets all scratchy and sometimes his throat closes up.

now i'm not laughing at people who have deadly allergic reactions. EVIL JOHN always washes his PB&J down with some calamine lotion before kissing his teenage girlfriend. but EJ has to put his foot down about rJ and his stupid (possibly fake) allergies.

okay, i know you're allergic to cats - but you own one.

you say you're allergic to wool - but you have several wool hats and socks.

you tell everyone who is unfortunate enough to sit next to you and your wedge salad that you're allergic to tomatoes - but you love them so much that eat them anyway.

now, that's just stupid.

the weird thing is that regular JOHN can eat the hell out of a strawberry covered cheesecake. heaven forbid you offer him some fruit salad. the kid acts like you're trying to off him.

believe me, fruitcake, if i was going to take you out i’d be much more devious and creative.

did you know that regular JOHN is also allergic to soy-milk? way more allergic than he is to fruit?

did you know that a soy-milk laced smoothie almost killed regular JOHN? luckily, they can’t dust soy for fingerprints.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

ROCKZ!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN thinks he’s a dj? well, he ain’t. if i hear another mix of his with 'such great heights', by the postal service on it… i’m going to throw his ipod out the window.

to show that bad taste doesn’t run in the family, here’s a playlist that rocks my EVIL socks off:



Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
"sure, it's tough being the good looking guy with a dead heart... but if you try to stick your finger down my throat, you ain't getting it back."

Debaser - The Pixies
"i don't know what a debaser is, but it sure sounds EVIL."

Dedicated Follower of Fashion - The Kinks
"this song is about regular JOHN, okay it was written before he was born, but if you've ever seen this guy walking through the mall, trying to find a pair of jeans and a hipster t-shirt, you'd wish the feuding brothers in the kinks would just get along and write some more songs... and no, i don't see a parrallel."

Fuckin' with My Head - Beck
"fuckin' with regular JOHN's head is my business, and business is good. i just came here to drink some beer and kick regular JOHN's ass, and i'm almost out of beer. if regular JOHN could fly, he wouldn’t bump his as a hoppin’… what was I saying?”

Get off of My Cloud - The Rolling Stones
"i'm not a cloud rider, per se, but i like the sentiment. hey, regular JOHN, if i had a cloud, you'd be the first guy i kick the hell off. look out below, falling shithead."

How I Could Just Kill a Man - Cypress Hill
"try me.”

I think I Smell a Rat - The White Stripes
"no, regular JOHN, that's not a rat you smell, that's your piss poor attitude and your decaying future as middle management mediocrity... wait are you listening to this in your car? okay, yes, that's a dead rat i hid in your glove compartment."

Mr. Pitiful - Otis Redding
"nuff said,”

Negative Creep – Nirvana
“this is song is like radiohead’s creep… plus it’s negative.”

No More Mr. Nice Guy- Alice Cooper
"you wanna know when i said 'no more mr. nice guy' to regular JOHN? conception, muthafucka. that's how early he pissed me off."

Shitlist - L7
"here's an example of my shitlist: 1. regular JOHN smells like shit. 2. regular JOHN looks like shit. 3. everything regular JOHN touches turns to... you get the idea."

Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
"how'd that get in there?"

Trouble - Elvis Presley
"sample lyrics... 'if you're lookin' trouble/ just look in my face,' and 'i was born standing up/ and talkin' back' and 'because i'm EVIL/ my middle name is misery/ i'm EVIL, EVIL EVIL/ don't mess around with me.'
elvis at his fake baddest.

Why Can't We Be Friends - War
"why can't we be friends? because you suck."

any suggestions for more songs that show how EVIL i am and how much regular JOHN sucks? Comment… if you dare.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

UPDATE: some of the songs are now an imix on itunes. get your iass over there and ilisten to the isongs. not all the songs are there, i guess some are too EVIL for apple.

click:

http://exchange2k3.crameronline.com/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPublishedPlaylist?id=729867