And the 'winner' is:

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN should be awarded? shut up, gramaratical police, i know i said awarded. do you think i would ever say regular JOHN should be rewarded? if so, you’re stupid. how stupid? regular JOHN stupid.

you’ve heard, i assume*, of the genius grants. “oh unrecognized genius type person, you’re so smart and insightful and you have so much potential, here’s some money, quit your day job and go out there and do something even more genius.”

no, of course, rJ shouldn’t get one of those. he should get a mediocre grant. what? you never heard of those? no kidding, bright boy, that’s because EVIL JOHN just made it up – copyright, tm, patent pending.

what is a mediocre grant and how will it change our ‘friend’ regular JOHN? well, the beauty of this grant is that he just pretty much keeps on doing what he’s been doing. or i should say not doing.

unremarkable – check!

run-of-the-mill, that is if he ever ran, slow-slouching-walk-of-the-mill – check!

garden-variety, but like a beet or some root vegetable, not a rose or a beefsteak tomato – check!

keep on at your day job, regular JOHN, don’t go out there and try hard and take risks… you don’t want to be disqualified for the first annual EVIL JOHN mediocre grant. get your acceptance speech ready, and don’t forget to thank the little people… little people like yourself!!!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

*the first person to comment about “making an ass out of me” gets a crack in the muzzle!

Dull Butter Knife.

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN thinks he’s losing his edge? hardy f’n haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

i’m sorry, i just fell off my yoga ball i was laughing so hard. can round mounds of pinky-white, bald, corn-balls have an edge?

yeah, he’s edgy, he’s like the pudgy, albino love child of the michelin man and the pillsbury dough boy.

this kid’s an ah-ha song… and not “take on me.”

you wanna know how to get an edge? well if you have to ask, you’ll never know. you could start by copying everything that i do. then follow that by giving EVIL JOHN all of your money. and you know what, throw in that ipod. of course that won’t make you any edgier than you are now, but at least i’d finally have an ipod.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Weather Dominator!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

oh, yeah!!!


here it comes:

what?!?!

typical!

EVIL JOHN IS BACK!!!

look for more EVIL updates soon!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Rube!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is helping EVIL JOHN? and he doesn’t even know it?

don’t believe me? check this out:



a. regular JOHN hits the snooze button on his alarm clock, b. it inflates a balloon that slowly tips over an iron on a cat with a piece of buttered toast strapped to it’s back, c. the cat flies in the air, d. because a cat always lands on it’s feet and a piece of buttered toast always lands face down, they both spin indefinitely, E. the spinning forces air into a tube that drops a baseball into a f. pitching machine, g. the baseball smashes a window, h. the shards of glass fall on carefully positioned dominoes, i. the dominoes climb up the stairs until one falls, J. on a button which sends a post to EVILJOHNSEZ.blogspot.com!

that was easy!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

You Say EVIL...

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is allergic to fruit? he's not allergic to fruits... this ain't a gay thing, although I have my suspicions, questions & concerns. this is about the fact that if regular JOHN eats a fresh fruit or vegetable, his mouth gets all scratchy and sometimes his throat closes up.

now i'm not laughing at people who have deadly allergic reactions. EVIL JOHN always washes his PB&J down with some calamine lotion before kissing his teenage girlfriend. but EJ has to put his foot down about rJ and his stupid (possibly fake) allergies.

okay, i know you're allergic to cats - but you own one.

you say you're allergic to wool - but you have several wool hats and socks.

you tell everyone who is unfortunate enough to sit next to you and your wedge salad that you're allergic to tomatoes - but you love them so much that eat them anyway.

now, that's just stupid.

the weird thing is that regular JOHN can eat the hell out of a strawberry covered cheesecake. heaven forbid you offer him some fruit salad. the kid acts like you're trying to off him.

believe me, fruitcake, if i was going to take you out i’d be much more devious and creative.

did you know that regular JOHN is also allergic to soy-milk? way more allergic than he is to fruit?

did you know that a soy-milk laced smoothie almost killed regular JOHN? luckily, they can’t dust soy for fingerprints.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

ROCKZ!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN thinks he’s a dj? well, he ain’t. if i hear another mix of his with 'such great heights', by the postal service on it… i’m going to throw his ipod out the window.

to show that bad taste doesn’t run in the family, here’s a playlist that rocks my EVIL socks off:



Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
"sure, it's tough being the good looking guy with a dead heart... but if you try to stick your finger down my throat, you ain't getting it back."

Debaser - The Pixies
"i don't know what a debaser is, but it sure sounds EVIL."

Dedicated Follower of Fashion - The Kinks
"this song is about regular JOHN, okay it was written before he was born, but if you've ever seen this guy walking through the mall, trying to find a pair of jeans and a hipster t-shirt, you'd wish the feuding brothers in the kinks would just get along and write some more songs... and no, i don't see a parrallel."

Fuckin' with My Head - Beck
"fuckin' with regular JOHN's head is my business, and business is good. i just came here to drink some beer and kick regular JOHN's ass, and i'm almost out of beer. if regular JOHN could fly, he wouldn’t bump his as a hoppin’… what was I saying?”

Get off of My Cloud - The Rolling Stones
"i'm not a cloud rider, per se, but i like the sentiment. hey, regular JOHN, if i had a cloud, you'd be the first guy i kick the hell off. look out below, falling shithead."

How I Could Just Kill a Man - Cypress Hill
"try me.”

I think I Smell a Rat - The White Stripes
"no, regular JOHN, that's not a rat you smell, that's your piss poor attitude and your decaying future as middle management mediocrity... wait are you listening to this in your car? okay, yes, that's a dead rat i hid in your glove compartment."

Mr. Pitiful - Otis Redding
"nuff said,”

Negative Creep – Nirvana
“this is song is like radiohead’s creep… plus it’s negative.”

No More Mr. Nice Guy- Alice Cooper
"you wanna know when i said 'no more mr. nice guy' to regular JOHN? conception, muthafucka. that's how early he pissed me off."

Shitlist - L7
"here's an example of my shitlist: 1. regular JOHN smells like shit. 2. regular JOHN looks like shit. 3. everything regular JOHN touches turns to... you get the idea."

Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
"how'd that get in there?"

Trouble - Elvis Presley
"sample lyrics... 'if you're lookin' trouble/ just look in my face,' and 'i was born standing up/ and talkin' back' and 'because i'm EVIL/ my middle name is misery/ i'm EVIL, EVIL EVIL/ don't mess around with me.'
elvis at his fake baddest.

Why Can't We Be Friends - War
"why can't we be friends? because you suck."

any suggestions for more songs that show how EVIL i am and how much regular JOHN sucks? Comment… if you dare.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

UPDATE: some of the songs are now an imix on itunes. get your iass over there and ilisten to the isongs. not all the songs are there, i guess some are too EVIL for apple.

click:

http://exchange2k3.crameronline.com/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPublishedPlaylist?id=729867

Cooking with the DEVIL!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN makes cookies? too bad he’s not a woman: other than the fact that he’d be the ugliest woman on earth, he makes a mean cookie. how many hetero men make cookies? in fact, how many gay men make cookies?

none that i’d like to know.

one thing, possibly the only thing regular JOHN and EVIL JOHN can agree on is a good cookie. in a departure from regular EVIL rants comes this week’s (belated – don’t ask) post… an EVIL cookie recipe.

how to make EVIL JOHN’s EVIL espresso chocolate chip cookies:

ingredients: (substitute EVIL ingredients when possible)
2 cups all-purpose flour
¼ finely ground espresso (if your brand of evil needs more caffeine, add more and reduce the flour the same amount)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks, 1/2 pound) butter, softened (you can add shortening, but your cookies will suck and then you’re obviously not EVIL)
3/4 cup granulated [white] sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar (like the espresso you can change the amounts of the two sugars here, more of one less of the other, but if you aren’t experienced you’ll probably screw this up)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract (i often add more, but remember, i’m a bad ass)
2 eggs
3 cups (1 ½ bags) milk chocolate morsels (that’s chocolate chips, if you’re stupid)

mix the hell out of flour, baking soda, salt and espresso. in a separate bowl, beat the hell out of the butter, both sugars and the vanilla. if you have a mixer, use it. no need to strain yourself, that’s for losers. add eggs one at a time. make sure you beat it till it calls you daddy. if you haven’t wussed out by this point, gradually beat in the flour mixture. i hope the second bowl was big, cuz if not it’s gonna suck for you. okay, so i left out that step, martha does it, so can i.

stir in the chips and the hard parts over, unless you’re too stupid to operate an oven. if that’s the case, the hell with you. oh yeah, you probably should have pre-heated the oven to 375. martha only leaves out one step, EVIL JOHN leaves out two. remember she also got caught.

drop rounded tablespoons of the cookie dough on the floor. now that you’ve done that, EVIL JOHN has just tricked you into wasting food and your time. now that’s EVIL. start over and then drop the rounded tablespoons onto an ungreased baking sheet.
cook those bitches for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown. if you can wait, and you probably can’t. these mf-er’s are good! let ‘em stand for 2 minutes, then slap them on a wire rack to cool.

enjoy with milk.

don’t let regular JOHN tell you he came up with this recipe, he’s a damn liar and not creative enough to dress himself.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Ooo-Lala Evil John!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN has no butt?

or at least that’s what his wife says… and believe me, i’m not gay or hot for my twin, but i have to admit she’s right.

why do i know this? i unfortunately know this because i was doing twin surveillance, which is how EVIL twins get all this juicy information, while regular JOHN and his saint of a wife were jeans shopping.

oh, god, don’t get me started on what a water torture that was. “are these too baggy?” “are these too casual for work?” “are these too long?” “can you hem boot cut?”

how about, “do these jeans make me look like a whiny, pudgy, short guy with no fashion sense?”

luckily EVIL JOHN got the brains, the looks and the hot butt. (i hope "hot butt" gets me as many google hits as “paris hilton video” did last week.)

EVIL JOHN OUT!

and a Happy New Year, to you... in Jail!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN can’t say no?

don’t believe me? ask him about all the free time he wasted helping some strangers make a movie. i say strangers because he didn’t know them and they were strange. did he want to help them? not really. did he get paid? not at all.

read the next lines aloud in your whiniest voice: ‘oh, i’m regular JOHN, i’m a nice guy and i told them i would help them out before i knew that i would be doing all the work and giving up so much of my time.’

say no! be evil, or shut the hell up!

couple this character flaw with the fact that he never finishes anything and you’ve got a real winner on your hands. 2006 at EVIL JOHN SEZ was supposed to start with a great video directed by yours truly.

do you see any video?

so you’re an EVIL twin. your regular half makes crappy corporate videos for a living. you’re obviously gonna con him into making your video for you. especially since he’s physically incapable of not doing what he is asked, even when it will undoubtedly lead to his eventual demise.

we started shooting and most of it is done, but try to get this guy to commit to showing his butt crack or to dress up like paris hilton and he gets all wishy-washy and busy.

busy with what? figuring out where scalp hair ends and back hair begins?

EVIL JOHN OUT!

EVIL P.S. in 2006, look out wednesdays for weekly updates… tuesday night if you’re lucky and don’t have a life.