You Say EVIL...

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is allergic to fruit? he's not allergic to fruits... this ain't a gay thing, although I have my suspicions, questions & concerns. this is about the fact that if regular JOHN eats a fresh fruit or vegetable, his mouth gets all scratchy and sometimes his throat closes up.

now i'm not laughing at people who have deadly allergic reactions. EVIL JOHN always washes his PB&J down with some calamine lotion before kissing his teenage girlfriend. but EJ has to put his foot down about rJ and his stupid (possibly fake) allergies.

okay, i know you're allergic to cats - but you own one.

you say you're allergic to wool - but you have several wool hats and socks.

you tell everyone who is unfortunate enough to sit next to you and your wedge salad that you're allergic to tomatoes - but you love them so much that eat them anyway.

now, that's just stupid.

the weird thing is that regular JOHN can eat the hell out of a strawberry covered cheesecake. heaven forbid you offer him some fruit salad. the kid acts like you're trying to off him.

believe me, fruitcake, if i was going to take you out i’d be much more devious and creative.

did you know that regular JOHN is also allergic to soy-milk? way more allergic than he is to fruit?

did you know that a soy-milk laced smoothie almost killed regular JOHN? luckily, they can’t dust soy for fingerprints.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

ROCKZ!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN thinks he’s a dj? well, he ain’t. if i hear another mix of his with 'such great heights', by the postal service on it… i’m going to throw his ipod out the window.

to show that bad taste doesn’t run in the family, here’s a playlist that rocks my EVIL socks off:



Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
"sure, it's tough being the good looking guy with a dead heart... but if you try to stick your finger down my throat, you ain't getting it back."

Debaser - The Pixies
"i don't know what a debaser is, but it sure sounds EVIL."

Dedicated Follower of Fashion - The Kinks
"this song is about regular JOHN, okay it was written before he was born, but if you've ever seen this guy walking through the mall, trying to find a pair of jeans and a hipster t-shirt, you'd wish the feuding brothers in the kinks would just get along and write some more songs... and no, i don't see a parrallel."

Fuckin' with My Head - Beck
"fuckin' with regular JOHN's head is my business, and business is good. i just came here to drink some beer and kick regular JOHN's ass, and i'm almost out of beer. if regular JOHN could fly, he wouldn’t bump his as a hoppin’… what was I saying?”

Get off of My Cloud - The Rolling Stones
"i'm not a cloud rider, per se, but i like the sentiment. hey, regular JOHN, if i had a cloud, you'd be the first guy i kick the hell off. look out below, falling shithead."

How I Could Just Kill a Man - Cypress Hill
"try me.”

I think I Smell a Rat - The White Stripes
"no, regular JOHN, that's not a rat you smell, that's your piss poor attitude and your decaying future as middle management mediocrity... wait are you listening to this in your car? okay, yes, that's a dead rat i hid in your glove compartment."

Mr. Pitiful - Otis Redding
"nuff said,”

Negative Creep – Nirvana
“this is song is like radiohead’s creep… plus it’s negative.”

No More Mr. Nice Guy- Alice Cooper
"you wanna know when i said 'no more mr. nice guy' to regular JOHN? conception, muthafucka. that's how early he pissed me off."

Shitlist - L7
"here's an example of my shitlist: 1. regular JOHN smells like shit. 2. regular JOHN looks like shit. 3. everything regular JOHN touches turns to... you get the idea."

Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
"how'd that get in there?"

Trouble - Elvis Presley
"sample lyrics... 'if you're lookin' trouble/ just look in my face,' and 'i was born standing up/ and talkin' back' and 'because i'm EVIL/ my middle name is misery/ i'm EVIL, EVIL EVIL/ don't mess around with me.'
elvis at his fake baddest.

Why Can't We Be Friends - War
"why can't we be friends? because you suck."

any suggestions for more songs that show how EVIL i am and how much regular JOHN sucks? Comment… if you dare.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

UPDATE: some of the songs are now an imix on itunes. get your iass over there and ilisten to the isongs. not all the songs are there, i guess some are too EVIL for apple.

click:

http://exchange2k3.crameronline.com/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPublishedPlaylist?id=729867

Cooking with the DEVIL!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN makes cookies? too bad he’s not a woman: other than the fact that he’d be the ugliest woman on earth, he makes a mean cookie. how many hetero men make cookies? in fact, how many gay men make cookies?

none that i’d like to know.

one thing, possibly the only thing regular JOHN and EVIL JOHN can agree on is a good cookie. in a departure from regular EVIL rants comes this week’s (belated – don’t ask) post… an EVIL cookie recipe.

how to make EVIL JOHN’s EVIL espresso chocolate chip cookies:

ingredients: (substitute EVIL ingredients when possible)
2 cups all-purpose flour
¼ finely ground espresso (if your brand of evil needs more caffeine, add more and reduce the flour the same amount)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks, 1/2 pound) butter, softened (you can add shortening, but your cookies will suck and then you’re obviously not EVIL)
3/4 cup granulated [white] sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar (like the espresso you can change the amounts of the two sugars here, more of one less of the other, but if you aren’t experienced you’ll probably screw this up)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract (i often add more, but remember, i’m a bad ass)
2 eggs
3 cups (1 ½ bags) milk chocolate morsels (that’s chocolate chips, if you’re stupid)

mix the hell out of flour, baking soda, salt and espresso. in a separate bowl, beat the hell out of the butter, both sugars and the vanilla. if you have a mixer, use it. no need to strain yourself, that’s for losers. add eggs one at a time. make sure you beat it till it calls you daddy. if you haven’t wussed out by this point, gradually beat in the flour mixture. i hope the second bowl was big, cuz if not it’s gonna suck for you. okay, so i left out that step, martha does it, so can i.

stir in the chips and the hard parts over, unless you’re too stupid to operate an oven. if that’s the case, the hell with you. oh yeah, you probably should have pre-heated the oven to 375. martha only leaves out one step, EVIL JOHN leaves out two. remember she also got caught.

drop rounded tablespoons of the cookie dough on the floor. now that you’ve done that, EVIL JOHN has just tricked you into wasting food and your time. now that’s EVIL. start over and then drop the rounded tablespoons onto an ungreased baking sheet.
cook those bitches for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown. if you can wait, and you probably can’t. these mf-er’s are good! let ‘em stand for 2 minutes, then slap them on a wire rack to cool.

enjoy with milk.

don’t let regular JOHN tell you he came up with this recipe, he’s a damn liar and not creative enough to dress himself.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Ooo-Lala Evil John!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN has no butt?

or at least that’s what his wife says… and believe me, i’m not gay or hot for my twin, but i have to admit she’s right.

why do i know this? i unfortunately know this because i was doing twin surveillance, which is how EVIL twins get all this juicy information, while regular JOHN and his saint of a wife were jeans shopping.

oh, god, don’t get me started on what a water torture that was. “are these too baggy?” “are these too casual for work?” “are these too long?” “can you hem boot cut?”

how about, “do these jeans make me look like a whiny, pudgy, short guy with no fashion sense?”

luckily EVIL JOHN got the brains, the looks and the hot butt. (i hope "hot butt" gets me as many google hits as “paris hilton video” did last week.)

EVIL JOHN OUT!

and a Happy New Year, to you... in Jail!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN can’t say no?

don’t believe me? ask him about all the free time he wasted helping some strangers make a movie. i say strangers because he didn’t know them and they were strange. did he want to help them? not really. did he get paid? not at all.

read the next lines aloud in your whiniest voice: ‘oh, i’m regular JOHN, i’m a nice guy and i told them i would help them out before i knew that i would be doing all the work and giving up so much of my time.’

say no! be evil, or shut the hell up!

couple this character flaw with the fact that he never finishes anything and you’ve got a real winner on your hands. 2006 at EVIL JOHN SEZ was supposed to start with a great video directed by yours truly.

do you see any video?

so you’re an EVIL twin. your regular half makes crappy corporate videos for a living. you’re obviously gonna con him into making your video for you. especially since he’s physically incapable of not doing what he is asked, even when it will undoubtedly lead to his eventual demise.

we started shooting and most of it is done, but try to get this guy to commit to showing his butt crack or to dress up like paris hilton and he gets all wishy-washy and busy.

busy with what? figuring out where scalp hair ends and back hair begins?

EVIL JOHN OUT!

EVIL P.S. in 2006, look out wednesdays for weekly updates… tuesday night if you’re lucky and don’t have a life.

Just Wait for an Evil 2006...

... bitches!!!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Jose, Can You See?!?

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN doesn’t like fireworks? this guy must be half french. is there anything more all american than fireworks? it’s on that list with the loving apple pies and hot moms… strike that, reverse.

he sez that after a few explosions and bright lights, it’s pretty much just more of the same, and it lasts too long. that’s funny from a guy who loves action movies because “he loves when shit blows up.”

okay regular JOHN, where do i begin? firstly, it’s free you ingrate. not only are you getting shit blown up in real life, right in front of you, but it doesn’t cost you any more than the grass stains on your ass, as you sit and watch the free show.

secondly, it’s too long? now you’re complaining that the free shit is taking up too much of your precious time? what the hell are you going to do with this lost 20 minutes of your pathetic life? are you going to NOT write? NOT update your blog? NOT do housework? NOT get off the couch?
somehow you seem to NOT do all of these things when you’re already NOT watching fireworks.

thirdly, move to canada! we don't want you... the sad thing is i don't think they want you either.

you know what, the french can’t be all that bad, it seems they like bright lights and blowin shit up too.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

No Retreat! No Surrender!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN used to beat up his little brothers? i’d like to see him try that shit now. neither of his brothers is little anymore. sure when you were 14 and they were like 10 and 11 you were one bad mother scratcher. you were king of the hill. those were the days… and those days have passed.

now you don’t dare mess with those guys. they’d break you. they’d make you their bitch.

man, i’d pay to see that.

comeuppance! the karma express, next stop regular JOHN. what comes around is gonna kick your ass. sweet revenge is a bitch best served cold.

you get the picture. the EVIL picture!

for the record, regular JOHN never beat up EVIL JOHN. he knows better. EJ is a master of several of the deadly martial arts. as a kid rJ had a yellow belt in karate.

try me!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Call for Evil!

EVIL JOHN ASKZ:

are you an EVIL twin? tell me about your unbearable lesser half. does he/she chew her/his toe nails? like jean claude van damme movies? vote democrat?

only tell me the true stuff, that's all i say about regular JOHN and that's all i'm interested in hearing about.. i can tell if your lying. it's an EVIL twin thing. ask mary-kate!

just add a comment, get it off your chest, speaking of chests:

did you know that regular JOHN has a hairy chest. yeah, that would be magnum p.i. sexy if it wasn't flabby and covered in orange hair. i'm not saying rJ is a balding orangutan, he just looks like a balding orangutan. see, i'm not lying.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Needs More EVIL Cow Bell!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN hates classic rock? of course just like all things rJ, there has to be a caveat. you know, i didn’t even know what that word meant until this dung dropper said it once. don’t worry, i punched him for being a pretentious prick.

the caveat is that sure he loves the stones and the beatles and the who (a.k.a. oldies). no, this knucklehead hate seventies and eighties arena rock. arena rock = EVIL. the sex, the big guitar riffs, the drugs, the tight pants, the dead drummers.

belch a few lines of 'we’re an american band' around him and you’ll hear a rant about how real rock stars don’t have to sing a song about how rockin’ they are. give me a break, corporate wedding videographer.

“now, these fine ladies, they had a plan,
they was out to meet the boys in the band the slouch with the video camera.”

i don’t think so.

when was the last time you helped “party it down”. never, and the worst thing about this hypocrite is that he grew up on 80’s hair bands. people who live in white lions shouldn’t go around throwing britney foxes.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

E.p.s. don’t be afraid, bitches, comment!

Evil Night, and Evil Luck.

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN doesn’t know anything about computers? i mean sure he can turn the damn thing on, who can’t. he can download porn and send and email or two. but ask him to fix a little bug or set it up to edit video or some semi-complicated thing like that and he throws his hands up and has a hissy fit. he turns bitch.

viruses, spy-ware, .dll errors… the kid can’t get rid of pop ups to save the hair on his chiny-chin-chin!

that’s why i’m still using some crappy blog template on a free service.

i know what you are saying, ‘hey, EVIL JOHN, didn’t regular JOHN set up this blog for you? thusly, you also don’t know jack sprat about computers.’

what are you some kind of regular JOHN sympathizer? the edward r. murrow of defending blacklisted computer idiots?

you, sir are out of order!

i’m too busy being EVIL to figure this crap out. a sign of a really EVIL bastard is the ability to delegate. look it up!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Sit and Sin!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN has a demon toilet seat? look at this thing it has an apparation of some kind of pug or cat or something. i can't even crap at his house... i'm EVIL and it freaks my shit out. okay, technically it freaks my shit in. you get the idea.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Streisand!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN hates liberals? i mean who doesn’t… but the funny thing about regular JOHN is that he is a liberal, and he won’t even deny it. what he hates is other liberals and their liberal-er than thou attitudes. regular JOHN separates his recyclables and votes in the useless local elections. the kid whines locally and bitches globally.

you ever want to see regular JOHN implode? tell him you don’t even own a tv. tell him you think meat is murder and that animal testing is genocide. sure he doesn’t wear fur but throw cans of sweat on him if he buys a t shirt from walmart. (i don’t even know if i get that one.)

of course EVIL JOHN is a republican, that’s one of the things that makes me evil. i voted for george w. bush twice, and that was just in one election. (thank you, ohio!)

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Blue Moon!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN wishes he had blue hair so bad? ‘so bad’ is right, it would look ‘so bad’ on him. as i’ve mentioned before he is so not punk. i think that’s why he wants to dye his hair blue. he never did it when it was age appropriate so now he’s grasping at some ‘escape back to your youth’ bullshit. nevermind the fact that he’s a corporate clown. nevermind the fact that he’s a thirty-one year old, married, condo owner. nevermind the fact that he’s bald.

can you imagine those wispy, non-hairs on the top of his head being blue? i can. in fact if i don’t finish this post it’s because i’ve died laughing. i’d love to see a blue half-headband that semi-circles around a pink skin-yalmuka. kinda like that star wars character but sad and so not punk.

go ahead regular JOHN and dye your hair blue, or red, or green, the world could use a little more laugher… EVIL laughter!

EVIL JOHN OUT!

EVIL JOHNS in 2008!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN once made his brother step on a tack? that sounds more like an EVIL JOHN thing than a regular JOHN thing, but it’s true. oh, and it wasn’t an accident, it was on purpose. sure, rJ was like 5 years old, but it was a sign of a bad seed. fortunately for me, he’s has been regretting it for years, so i always bring it up to remind him how EVIL he can be. i like to watch him squirm with guilt.

it’s actually a good thing that this didn’t continue because EVIL JOHN would have had trouble differentiating himself from regular JOHN. but imagine if there were two EVIL JOHNS. the perfect evil tag team. wow, world domination would have been a piece of cake. when we turn 35 we could run for president and be the first EVIL TWIN president/vp in history. oh, wait, present administration excluded.

i know, it’s only a dream, a beautiful, beautiful dream… hey, has anyone seen my thumbtacks?

EVIL JOHN OUT

Movie Night!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN likes the worst movies? exhibit 1: joe versus the volcano. joe versus the what are you friggin kidding me? i thought regular john was supposed to be some film-major-snobby-noir-french-new-wave-dogma-85-i-don’t-even-know-what -i’m-saying-art-house pretentious asshole.

(turner and hooch era) tom hanks jumps into a friggin’ volcano? and lives? abe vagoda is a polynesian king that drinks orange soda? meg ryan plays 3 different people?

exhibit 2: amelie. a french film about a chick who goes around doing good deeds?

french?
chick?
good deeds?
chick?
french?

i don’t know where to begin. why can’t i be (predator era) arnold schwarzenegger’s EVIL twin?

john, what the hell is your problem? watch a movie with balls.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Idaho!!!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is horrible at updating his blog? he is so bad at it that it’s starting rub off on me, his EVIL twin, EVIL JOHN. have you seen his site? he hasn’t updated since, july 31. oh, sure he was busy, he was on vacation, and don’t let him feed you any bullshit about there not being any computers in montana, they do have a website. where do you think that came from? idaho? i doubt that shit very much! idaho wouldn’t give montana a fuckin’ potato if it was starving, and believe me idaho has potatoes to spare. they throw out more potatoes than… than… i don’t know what.

sorry, idaho, just has such an elitist attitude that pisses me off, much like regular JOHN.

all i know is that if you want people to read your blog you should put some effort into putting something up to read. regular JOHN i’m looking in your direction and stop sucking me into your bad habits.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Troubled Waters!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN is afraid of bridges over water? what the hell kind of fear is that? if you've ever seen him drive over one it's hilarious. he gets in the middle lane, drives real slow, doesn't talk to anyone one and stares straight forward. his knuckles get all white from gripping the wheel and i don't think he breathes. (which is trouble on your longer bridges.)

and don’t ask him to tell you about it. i made that mistake once and i couldn’t shut his ass up.

here’s a brief run down of what he said, ‘first you’re in a car and you might crash and die or you might survive, then you might hit the guard rail and die or you might survive, and then you might go over the guard rail and fall into the water and die or you might survive, and then get trapped in your car and you might die or you might survive, and then you somehow get out of your car and you freeze to death in the water or can’t get to shore in time and you might die.’

does your EVIL head hurt? mine does. i might be EVIL but i think regular JOHN is disturbed, and not in that ‘i’m so deep and people don’t get me’ way, more in that that ‘i probably have piles of bodies in my basement’ way.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Fade to Suck!

EVIL JOHN SEZ:

did you know that regular JOHN has a website too? i bet you didn’t know that because nobody knows it. that shlub has had a website since january and i’ve had one for two months and i’m already kicking ass in the comment department. he’s had like 10 people comment on his and i’ve had 29.

and man is it boring…’oh, i’m a struggling screenwriter’ blah, blah, blah. who cares about your stupid hobby? why don’t you start a website about paint drying. first, it would be more exciting than hearing about the progress of a movie you some day will start writing and as a bonus you might get high on the paint fumes and when you’re tripping out you might actually think of ideas that people might want to see.

EVIL JOHN OUT!

Grape Mugglers!

mack mama ASKZ:

dear EVIL JOHN,
i don't think you're really that evil, cos nothing really bad has happened to regular john yet. not that i'm suggesting you blind him with a margarita glass full of acid or anything, but i think your evil is a state of mind. however, you seem to give good advice, so here's a question for you - if you were in a rowboat in a shark-filled sea with regular john, paula abdul, kato kaelin, donald trump, and jk rowling, who would you toss out first, and why?

EVIL JOHN RESPONDZ:

i don’t know about you people, but to me, EVIL isn’t always about maiming and facial scarring. don’t get me wrong, there is definitely a time and a place for your chinese water, your rack stretching and/or your hot-poker burning tortures. more often than not, however, the authorities get involved. and ever since johnny cochrane died, it’s getting tougher and more expensive to keep an EVIL twin out of jail. plus you never really get the smell of burning pubic hair out of even your better-ventilated root cellars.

now on to your question… and it’s a good one, i had to rack my EVIL brain to decide. actually that’s not true. trump! without a doubt, without hesitation, trump! that show sucks and he sucks. i can’t wait to see the look on his face as the sharks are eating him alive and i point my outstretched hand, not to offer help, but to say, ‘you’re chum.’

what i was really racking my brain about was how to explain why i wouldn’t throw regular JOHN into the blood red waters behind ‘the donald’. don’t think i’m a softie. remember, i’m EVIL. damn EVIL. but without a regular twin, what is the use of an EVIL twin? what am i going to do with this website?

post EVIL recipes?

speculate about the upcoming season of lost?

make millions selling porn? wait, let me think about that one.

kato and paula have their own troubles, feeding them to sharks would be like sweet release for them.

jk rowling? and not find out what happens to harry, hermione and ron? you crazy?

EVIL JOHN OUT!